Postnatal Depression – The questions I need an answer to

Pregnancy and babies are beautiful, who wouldn’t want to be a parent. Watching them grow, teaching them things, being the star in their eyes. It all sounds so great. Everyone always warned me about the lack of sleep – that’s fine, all the smelly nappies – easy, the restless nights and days whilst they’re teething – all part of becoming a parent… why did no one warn me about the constant loneliness? Why did no one warn me about how I’ll cry more than my baby? Or how I’d have no interest in anything anymore? You never know love until you have a child right? Why do I feel like at times I resent mine? 

I’ve just had my first baby, something I could only dream of having, I should be fulfilled but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like this perfect little human deserves more than me? I feel nothing. Shouldn’t I be happy? I always got told these feeling I was having was ‘just pregnancy hormones’ and it’ll all disappear when I’m holding my bundle of joy? Why am I not feeling joy? Is something wrong with me? The love I have for my baby is sheltered by the anxiety I get with him. I can’t let anything happen to him, I can’t take him out of the house something could happen to him, he’s so tiny. 

Where did all my friends go? I thought they couldn’t wait to meet my baby, they must just be a little busy they’ll talk to me soon. Why doesn’t anyone come see me? Why do I have no one? Why am I constantly lonely? Why is my 10 month old son the only person that wants me? 


Why is he crying? I’ve fed him, changed him, bathed him, burped him and rocked him, why is he crying still?! What does he want? Why won’t he stop? Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I not a good enough mum? Should I just leave him, he’d be better off without me anyway? I can’t leave him, he’s my everything. I don’t know how to care for him, i have to be doing something wrong, why am I such a bad mum. He’s finally asleep and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep, what if something happens? What if I wake and he’s gone? Or what if I wake and he’s not breathing? I’ll watch him constantly, I don’t need sleep. 

Getting dressed would be so much easier if my clothes fit, I remember before I had him I was 20kgs lighter now look at me, all these stretch marks, flabby skin. Look at my hair it’s a mess. My face is disgusting. I’m disgusting. It’s alright though because it carried my baby right? I should be proud of it, why am I not? Why did no one warn me I’d be like this, why did everyone tell me it’s normal when I don’t feel normal. 

Soft Glam

  1. Prime face – ALWAYS PRIME! I cannot express enough on that. Priming creates a smooth base to work with and makes makeup feel and look 100x better. I used Australis ‘PRIMER THE ORIGINAL’ which in Australia usually sells for around $20IMG_4242
  2. Eyebrows – Now this is optional, some people do foundation first but I prefer to do brows and eyes first. I just followed my natural brow shape but however you’d like to do your brows is fine. I used the Maybelline pro brow palette which I picked up for about $18
  3. Eyes – eyes are usually what take me the longest out of my whole face, I put down some concealer and buffed it out around me eyes then brushed on some neutral coloured eyeshadow to prime the eyes. I used Maybelline new York the nudes palette.
  4. Foundation – for this look I used Too Faced Born This Way all over the face.
  5. Concealer – I always use concealer one or two shades lighter than the foundation I’m using for under eyes, down the bridge of my nose and on my chin. I’m using Maybelline age rewind. IMG_4255
  6. Setting – To set the face I use Australis Banana powder
  7. Bronzing and Highlighting  – for this look I preferred a natural bronzed look instead of doing a full face contour, I used the Australis AC on tour Highlighting and contour palette
  8. Lip – For my lips I used Jeffree Star androgyny with Jeffree Star Sagittarius in the centre
  9. Mind my shitty eyebrows and uneven wing

Vada xx

Lets Make A Change

Since the day I found out I was pregnant I had the ‘Yes! I can start eating whatever the hell I want, I’m going to get fat anyway’ mindset. I regret this so much, whilst I didn’t put much weight on during my second trimester as soon as I reached my third I had put on a whole 10kg (22lbs) in 2 weeks. By the end of my pregnancy my gain was up to 20kg (44lbs), no worries I thought – I knew I’d lose all the weight after I gave birth. I was wrong, I’m now ten months post partum and a whopping 10kg higher then my weight I was heavily pregnant.

I look at myself in disgust, and everybody always says “be proud of your body it nourished your baby for 9 months” or “you had a baby though so don’t stress to much about your weight” and I feel like some of us mothers don’t worry about our weights because this is what we get told, or even blame our babies. I use to say all the time to friends that had noticed I had put on a fair bit of weight “that’s what babies do too you”, but I was wrong its not what babies do to you; I did it to myself. I never worried until I started getting dressed of a morning and not being able to fit any of my clothes, since I’ve gone up 3 sizes and even another size recently. my stretch marks are increasing and I’m feeling lower within myself everyday. I needed a change.

I’ve tried all the diets out there, raw until 4, the whole lot. I needed something different, something Id stick to and love. The partner and I applied for a house on the beach so I could go for enjoyable walks with Rialyn, so there was more scenery other than a road or in a gym. I decided to never buy unnatural food when we grocery shop, so then there was nothing in the house I could eat when I cave into my cravings. I’m not really on a ‘diet’ I hate the term ‘diet’ I’m just eating natural things and drinking water, a lot of water.

I found Instagram helped me keep on track, I share my food on there and I don’t know something about sharing my journey just keeps me sticking to it.

Screenshot (1).png

Now I haven’t seen much change as of yet, because I have been abit slack with the exercising, but when I start seeing change I’ll definitely do another post.

Vada xx

Screenshot (2).png

A Day In The Life Of A Stay At Home Mum

I bet everyone thinks its easy right? we have the best life? not working just getting to spend it lounging around with our babies right? Oh I wish, the truth is its not easy, being a parent is not easy. It leaves you exhausted and takes a mental and physical toll on you, ah what I’d do to go back to sleeping in past 5am, to be able to get up and only worry about getting myself prepared for the day. Instead I wake up to little hands gouging out my eyeballs and slobber dripping on my face that’s not mine, I wake up to a pleasant smell of poop, rollover and end up in a wet patch of fresh urine because my adorable baby pulls of his nappy. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if it was after 6am or even if the sun was up.

17795897_188609978314459_2565654268538663333_n

I drag myself and Rialyn out of bed and I pop him with his toys and put on his favourite show whilst I stumble to the kettle, because we all know caffeine is a definite when you have a kid. I prepare Rialyn’s breakfast as soon as possible which is the usual vegemite toast with a side of yoghurt because all hell would rise if I dared to sit down without his food ready. He’s placed in his highchair and eating (by eating I mean throwing his food on the ground and smashing it onto his body) Hes entertained so that’s my queue to slump onto the dining room chair and reflect on what we’ll be doing today, not like it’d be something different to the everyday arguments with a 10 month old, and not leaving the house.

So breakfast has been all thrown around the house and now he’s attempting to escape his chair whilst screaming the whole neighbourhood down. Placed on the ground he so happily crawls over to the dvd stand and pulls them all out one by one because who wouldn’t right? mum obviously enjoys picking them up 100 times a day right? Oh and don’t forget that fun game where he so cleverly climbs the TV stand and tries to pull the TV on top of himself because that ones a huge crack up. Now its around 10am and he’s reached the ‘I’m going to scream and cry and throw tantrums at everything because I’m tired” stage, I don’t blame him he had such and exhausting night and morning trying to wake mummy up and play, he obviously deserves a nap.

17022005_164063214102469_8437833055760875750_n

Babies asleep so now mum can rest, sadly that’s not the case because last nights dishes are still on the bench and the house is destroyed from this mornings episode, no worries though I’ll clean it for it to be just demolished again when he wakes back up. The housework is almost finished and I fill with joy because he’s still asleep so I might actually get to sit down for abit.  Yes! Victory! I sit down and grab my phone out to see what people that actually have a social life are doing, stopped right in my tracks though as I here little whimpers that escalate to full blown screams in a matter of seconds. Again I’m up and get greeted with that same cheeky smile that I love when I open his bedroom door.

This is how the day continues up until dinner, yes lets talk about dinner. Here I m cooking a wonderful meal for Rialyn and I and just as I’m about to serve, there lays my starving child asleep on the floor, without food. Great! just wonderful isn’t it, I cart him to his cot and tuck him in. 8pm is the next I hear from that kid of mine screaming for his dinner because I’m such a terrible mum for making him fall asleep without food. He eats his dinner, by eat you know what I mean. By this time he’s had a total of three baths today and mum has no energy left for one more so horrible me gives him a wipe down with a wet wipe. Finally the long awaited bed time I look forward to all day, to go to my bed and lay down and just relax and think about how I’m going to enjoy doing this same exact thing the next morning.

All said and done I would never change it for anything in this world. The same repetitive routine all day everyday and having no friends or anyone to talk to drives me insane but I wouldn’t have it any other way, because when I see that little face look up at me and when I receive those lovely gifts of old food or whatever else he’s managed to find on the ground and see how proud of himself he is and the little sparkle in his eyes and the little toothy pegs that’s poking through his gums I know this is where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to be doing.

17202871_169299346912189_7741584280848152457_n

My Little Miracle

Lets talk about a birth story, not any birth story, my sons birth story. Now this may be nothing to you guys, just another mum who writes about her baby, but to me it’s everything. It’s the story on how my life changed forever, the story that I’ll never forget and the one I’ll never get bored of telling.

It all started with a ‘strange lump’ in the right side of my tummy, a lump that I never expected to be a baby, but we will get into that another time. After all the tests and scans it was confirmed, I was going to be a mummy!. I was 18 weeks when I found out so that’s basically half my time already done.

Lets start with my very first scan. I was a nervous wreck, sitting in the waiting room, shaking, crying and having no idea on what was happening. I got called in after what felt like an eternity. Laid down, the sonographer was trying to make conversation and I was just there silent. There was silence for ages, I could hear him and the assistant whispering and him pushing harder on my belly, that’s when I really started to panic. Not only did I just find out I was pregnant an hour ago but now there’s something wrong. The sonographer asked if anyone had ever told me I had a bicornuate uterus, he then went on to explain to me that’s why he was confused at first and it was nothing to panic about. For those of you who don’t know what a bicornuate uterus is it’s when instead of a normal uterus resembling an upside down pear mine resembles a heart shape, I had a septum down the middle but it was not a full septate uterus.

I googled it all the time and read all the horror stories (yes, I admit I Dr google a lot). I was told at all my appointments that it was nothing to worry about and to stop going on the internet. I had a feeling that they weren’t keeping an eye on it as much as they should so I kept asking and questioning it at every midwife visit and always got the same answer, ‘stop stressing’. I came to 29 weeks and decided I wanted another scan, I needed another scan, my midwife said I wouldn’t get anymore ultrasounds unless it was a private one that I paid for. That afternoon I booked myself in.

Again I was back in that waiting room impatient to see my baby. In I went and had the ultrasound, he came back with a few things from it. First was there was not a lot of fluid around him, because of the shape of my uterus bubs was in one side and that pushed all the fluid to the other side, he had a really long cord, and by the looks of things he was stuck in the left side of my uterus. I took this information back to my midwife and she said the same as usual, ‘it’ll be fine’. My mum and her friend were at the appointment with me and pushed the midwife to get me another medical scan where they look more into details. Finally at 34 weeks I was sent for a check-up ultrasound.

The following day I got a call from my midwife saying I needed to get to the hospital as soon as I could because the baby was really small, had very little fluid and he was transverse, I needed to have daily check ups and weekly scans. The first scan I went to I was sent straight to the labour ward, I arrived there and was put on to a CTG. They informed me that I would be having a C-section first thing in the morning. I had my steroid shots and was sent up to the maternity ward. I was up there for all of 30 minutes before I was back down on a CTG because I had an ‘off feeling’. Luckily I asked to be monitored again because we discovered my boys heartbeat kept stopping. I never knew how strong a mothers love could be for a child before she has even laid eyes on them, but as soon as his heartbeat stopped mine raced, I panicked and was calling for someone to help. I was put in for an emergency C-section as soon as surgeons were available.

Here I was, scared, nervous and a mess, waiting to be cut open. I knew what to expect with a C-section because I YouTubed a hundred of them. The surgery, needles, being numb and my baby, I still couldn’t believe that I’d be holding my baby soon. Never had I been so anxious in my life. In came the nurse and inserted the catheter , that’s when it started. Being wheeled around the hospital I couldn’t stop shaking, all I remember is the shaking, my jaw was sore from it, my muscles were aching. I just wanted it to stop, I tried so hard.

The lights were bright in that room, there was a team of Drs and nurses awaiting me. I felt nauseous and short of breath. Again the shaking, the nurse was trying to get me stop so she could put the spinal block in the precise place. My leg jumped, I was told that was a good thing, it means it is in the right spot. My face started tingling and I couldn’t move my toes, I felt as if I was deprived of air, probably because I was so afraid of everything at that moment, I felt as if nothing was going right.

Questioning the Dr I asked when my baby will be out and to my surprise he answered that he was almost here. I felt a wave of relief blanket over me, all of a sudden I was excited. I heard a little cry and man nothing in this world can ever describe what you feel when you hear your child’s cry for the first time, I couldn’t stop smiling. I hadn’t seen him yet but I could hear him and that was enough for me. After he was checked over his head was placed next to mine and it was perfect, he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, I stroked his cheek and gasped in awe. There he was finally, all 4lbs of him. I couldn’t speak.

I named him Rialyn, he was taken down to nursery and I was getting stitched up and placed in the waiting room until I got feeling back. There the shaking started again. Two hours it took for feeling to return and the shaking to stop. I was wheeled down to the NICU and there my sweet boy was put on top of my chest to try and have his first breastfeed, he would not latch properly after numerous attempts of trying, they took him away to set up a feeding tube and started to take me back up to the ward, all of a sudden the feeling around my wound returned and it was excruciating, it felt like my abdomen was on fire. I started tearing up, holding my breath and squeezing the sides of the bed, it felt like hours before I was up in the room, there I was given a standard pain killer. I waited an hour and still was crying in pain so I was given something stronger, the only thing that stopped this pain was when I finally fell asleep.

It took a week to get out of the hospital and get home but the rest of my hospital stay and the events that occurred will be put in another post or else this would be way to long. Now I know most of you will not find this very interesting but I thought I’d tell my story and educate pregnant ladies and anyone actually to trust your gut feeling regardless of what you get told and never let anyone tell you you’re being dramatic or overthinking. Its better to be safe than sorry, if it wasn’t for following my gut feeling my son might have not made it here today.

Vada xx

16830682_159721647869959_9014405067862055655_n

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑