Postnatal Depression – The questions I need an answer to

Pregnancy and babies are beautiful, who wouldn’t want to be a parent. Watching them grow, teaching them things, being the star in their eyes. It all sounds so great. Everyone always warned me about the lack of sleep – that’s fine, all the smelly nappies – easy, the restless nights and days whilst they’re teething – all part of becoming a parent… why did no one warn me about the constant loneliness? Why did no one warn me about how I’ll cry more than my baby? Or how I’d have no interest in anything anymore? You never know love until you have a child right? Why do I feel like at times I resent mine? 

I’ve just had my first baby, something I could only dream of having, I should be fulfilled but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like this perfect little human deserves more than me? I feel nothing. Shouldn’t I be happy? I always got told these feeling I was having was ‘just pregnancy hormones’ and it’ll all disappear when I’m holding my bundle of joy? Why am I not feeling joy? Is something wrong with me? The love I have for my baby is sheltered by the anxiety I get with him. I can’t let anything happen to him, I can’t take him out of the house something could happen to him, he’s so tiny. 

Where did all my friends go? I thought they couldn’t wait to meet my baby, they must just be a little busy they’ll talk to me soon. Why doesn’t anyone come see me? Why do I have no one? Why am I constantly lonely? Why is my 10 month old son the only person that wants me? 

Why is he crying? I’ve fed him, changed him, bathed him, burped him and rocked him, why is he crying still?! What does he want? Why won’t he stop? Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I not a good enough mum? Should I just leave him, he’d be better off without me anyway? I can’t leave him, he’s my everything. I don’t know how to care for him, i have to be doing something wrong, why am I such a bad mum. He’s finally asleep and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep, what if something happens? What if I wake and he’s gone? Or what if I wake and he’s not breathing? I’ll watch him constantly, I don’t need sleep. 

Getting dressed would be so much easier if my clothes fit, I remember before I had him I was 20kgs lighter now look at me, all these stretch marks, flabby skin. Look at my hair it’s a mess. My face is disgusting. I’m disgusting. It’s alright though because it carried my baby right? I should be proud of it, why am I not? Why did no one warn me I’d be like this, why did everyone tell me it’s normal when I don’t feel normal. 

7 thoughts on “Postnatal Depression – The questions I need an answer to

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  1. Reading this took me right back to when my son was 6 months old – he’s now almost 3. I’m so sorry you had to experience it, it’s the most horrible, isolating thing ever. I could never understand why Connor would keep crying even when he had been changed/fed/burped etc until one day my Mum said to me ‘He can tell when you’re upset or unsettled & it upsets him’. I couldn’t get my head round it at the time but looking back now I can see it. Just know one thing – you are enough. You are all that little man wants and needs, in his eyes you are absolutely perfect & that is all that matters in the end. I know I’m just a random stranger but I’ve been through it and know how alone you can feel so if you ever need to rant or rave feel free to drop me a message πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I feel they can tell how we’re feeling because sometimes I catch myself getting so frustrated I have to force myself to feel calm just to try and make him a little more calm. Awh you’re to kind, thank you the comment means a lot xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with the above, I have two children and with my son I remember feeling this way once and getting to the end of my tether considering leaving him in the car to cry just so I could get some peace. I think I felt this way because my life was like a repetitive regime of childcare. So I applied for jobs to get away from the repetition, it was hard but I swear the work kept me sane, it was my little break and made me feel like I was accomplishing something. But that is just me. You should speak to someone how you feel it’s so common. And don’t beat yourself up, parenthood is the hardest job you’ll ever have and you learn all your lessons on the job. 😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I sometimes have to just let him scream for a few minutes whilst I walk away and catch myself 😩 being a mother is very repetitive as I talk about in my blog about being a stay at home job. I definitely get how work would be a little break and so proud of you for being able to juggle work and a baby 😚 your comment is beautiful, thank you x


  3. There is nothing wrong with you. You just have post partum depression. You are ok. It’s just chemicals in your brain, that need a little tweaking. I have depression, and bipolar, so I can understand some of your pain.
    Are you able to go talk to a counselor or other mental health professional? I think that would help. It helps me.
    Your body is beautiful! Please try to love and appreciate yourself. You created a living miracle in your belly!!
    I came here from Emily, at Holden Down the Fort.

    Liked by 1 person

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