Pregnancy and babies are beautiful, who wouldn’t want to be a parent. Watching them grow, teaching them things, being the star in their eyes. It all sounds so great. Everyone always warned me about the lack of sleep – that’s fine, all the smelly nappies – easy, the restless nights and days whilst they’re teething – all part of becoming a parent… why did no one warn me about the constant loneliness? Why did no one warn me about how I’ll cry more than my baby? Or how I’d have no interest in anything anymore? You never know love until you have a child right? Why do I feel like at times I resent mine?
I’ve just had my first baby, something I could only dream of having, I should be fulfilled but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like this perfect little human deserves more than me? I feel nothing. Shouldn’t I be happy? I always got told these feeling I was having was ‘just pregnancy hormones’ and it’ll all disappear when I’m holding my bundle of joy? Why am I not feeling joy? Is something wrong with me? The love I have for my baby is sheltered by the anxiety I get with him. I can’t let anything happen to him, I can’t take him out of the house something could happen to him, he’s so tiny.
Where did all my friends go? I thought they couldn’t wait to meet my baby, they must just be a little busy they’ll talk to me soon. Why doesn’t anyone come see me? Why do I have no one? Why am I constantly lonely? Why is my 10 month old son the only person that wants me?
Why is he crying? I’ve fed him, changed him, bathed him, burped him and rocked him, why is he crying still?! What does he want? Why won’t he stop? Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I not a good enough mum? Should I just leave him, he’d be better off without me anyway? I can’t leave him, he’s my everything. I don’t know how to care for him, i have to be doing something wrong, why am I such a bad mum. He’s finally asleep and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep, what if something happens? What if I wake and he’s gone? Or what if I wake and he’s not breathing? I’ll watch him constantly, I don’t need sleep.
Getting dressed would be so much easier if my clothes fit, I remember before I had him I was 20kgs lighter now look at me, all these stretch marks, flabby skin. Look at my hair it’s a mess. My face is disgusting. I’m disgusting. It’s alright though because it carried my baby right? I should be proud of it, why am I not? Why did no one warn me I’d be like this, why did everyone tell me it’s normal when I don’t feel normal.